If I Knew Then
by Jailynn5
Summary: Chapter Four is now posted :) When Amy is involved in a horrendous car accident and suffers a hard blow to the head causing her long term memory loss, how will she pick up the pieces of her vacant past? After reviewing every choice she has ever made, will she have to live with the consequences, or will she have a second chance to right her wrongs?
1. PREVIEW

**_A New Fanfic_**

**_"If I Knew Then..."_**

**_By: Jailynn5_**

_"__If I Knew Then__"_ is a story about the prevailing power of passion and love, a story of tragedy and triumph that will leave you yearning for a miracle.

The story begins as Amy Jerguens starts a new life in New York City, just recently beginning her freshman year at Hudson University. After suddenly bailing on her wedding plans, flying three thousand miles away, leaving her son John, and Ricky, John's father and her former fiancé, she begins her new journey, alongside an old flame, and together they quickly begin to discover what it's like to live and attend college in the big city, alone, as two young adults.

Ricky is left in California, trying to cope with Amy's departure, and go about life in the most normal way as possible, but the pain of dealing with the heartbreak, and the struggle of being a single father, is mentally wearing him down.

Meanwhile, Amy is trying to discover herself and new identity in NYC, consistently seeking for the excitement she missed out on as a teenage mother the past few years.

Amidst Amy's self-discovery and enjoyment of the eccentric nightlife of the big city, she takes on more than she can handle, and eventually tragedy strikes when she least expects it, and in one split second, her life is _forever changed_.

When Amy is involved in a horrendous car accident and suffers a hard blow to the head, causing her long term memory loss, how will she pick up the pieces of her vacant past? All she can remember upon waking, is the last few weeks prior to the accident. Anyone or anything before that is a complete blur. She is faced with trying to fill the empty memories of her past, and in the process, she wonders how she got to where she is today?

As the people around her try to help mold her memory and help her remember her life, she begins to notice just how many wrong choices she made along the way… but is it too late for her to fix them now?

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**Coming soon!**

**Please let me know your thoughts!**


	2. Chapter One: In a Split Second

**Author's note:** Hey everyone, so I am extremely excited to share this story with all of you, and am really looking forward to your reactions and reviews, so please, please, pleaseee let me know your thoughts as you read this. Some might think that your words are just words, but I seriously read every single review and they motivate me to continue. So please leave feedback!

**Also, a small note:** Every sequence in _italics _is a flashback. Anything else is present tense, just so you're not confused.

But anyway, I hope you enjoy the beginning of this story :)

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_**Preface**_

**I never gave much thought to how valuable the power of memory could be.**

**Those moments when you are having a simple conversation with someone, and start to feel a sense of déjà vu, like you've experienced the exact same conversation once or twice before.**

**Or simply just comparing birthdays as you've grown up, retelling your first kiss, or the first time you wore makeup. Revisiting an old high school and imagining yourself by your locker, just as you remembered it.**

**Being able to reiterate all the events leading up to your child's birth, and the way you felt the first time you held him in your arms.**

**Understanding why you chose to take the paths you did, and being able to explain your reasoning for your decisions.**

**I never gave much thought to these things before, but I'd give anything to remember them now.**

**In a split second my entire life changed, and all that I ever knew, and all I ever experienced… was suddenly_ gone_.**

* * *

**Chapter One: In a Split Second**

**_*(8:00pm - 5 hours before the accident)*_**

_"Did you get the address?" I shouted as I carefully applied the last stroke of mascara on to my eyelashes._

_I was leaning over the small sink in the bathroom, trying my hardest to put my makeup on with such a limited amount of arm space._

_I recently took up an offer from Leo, Ben's dad, to stay in a small studio apartment, walking distance from Hudson University, which I recently began attending in the last two weeks._

_I was grateful for the apartment, which was free of charge, but I had to admit that it was quite cramped, and I was almost sure that my bedroom closet in California was much bigger than the tiny little bathroom I had in this apartment. However, I made the best of it, trying my hardest to organize my things in such a tiny space._

_"218 Sullivan Street", Ben said, shouting from the small living/bedroom area, "it's located in Greenwich Village, about twenty minutes away from here"_

_I placed my mascara back inside the small pink makeup pouch I kept in the drawer beneath my sink, and made my way into the living room almost ready to go._

_"Are you sure you want to drive Ben?" I asked, while pulling a sweater out of my closet, "we can just take the subway you know"_

_Ben's eyes were lost as he stared directly at me; he hadn't said a word since I walked out of the bathroom. I guess my outfit through him for a loop, which he probably wasn't expecting._

_"No", he said, while swallowing hard, trying to shake his stare away, "I don't mind, but Amy, uh, wow, you look… great"_

_I glanced over at him out of the corner of my eye, with a small smile. I felt confident around Ben; he thought I was gorgeous, no matter what I wore or how I looked. I sometimes wonder if maybe that's why I enjoyed his company so much, because it built my self-esteem, and he always assured me I was beautiful. _

_I wasn't trying to lead him on though, and I had made it very clear that we were only friends since moving here from California, but Ben, well, he was persistent to say the least. _

_I pretty much ignored it though, and I was just used to it by now. He basically trailed behind me my entire senior year, throwing digs out about how I wasn't happy with Ricky, and that I wouldn't get married, and I would end up in New York with him. _

_I've just learned to deal with his stubbornness, and not for nothing, but technically he was right. I didn't get married, and well I ended up in New York, so I guess he wasn't that far off; however, I wasn't looking for a relationship with Ben either. I just wanted to have fun, enjoy my college years, and finally be able to be a __**normal**__ teenager verging on young adult. _

_Of course it wasn't easy making that decision though. I had to leave John behind with Ricky, which was probably the hardest part of this, but I knew he was okay with Ricky. Ricky was a good dad, and he would have made an excellent husband, but our hearts weren't in it, or at least mine wasn't. I just needed to find myself. I wanted to experience life outside of my comfort zone, and well Ricky, he was my comfort zone. _

_I know it's ideal that a teen mom ends up with the baby's father and he steps up and takes care of them, and offers to marry her in order to raise their child, but I didn't want just an offer, I wanted __**passion**__,I wanted to __**want**__ to get married, for other reasons then just John._

_"Thanks Ben" I said, trying not to laugh at his googling eyes, but a small chuckle just slipped through my lips._

_Ben realized quickly, and I think he felt slightly embarrassed, as I watched his cheeks turn a light pink shade right before he looked away._

_"Do you want to get something to eat first?" I said, trying to change the conversation, and make him feel a bit more comfortable, "I'm sure the club won't be much fun until later"_

_"Yeah, I'm actually really hungry", he said, "there is a new Buffalo Wild Wings that opened up a couple blocks from here"_

_"Really?" I said, darting my eyes up in excitement, "let's definitely go there!"_

_Ben laughed at my excitement, but I loved wings, and he knew that for sure._

_"Alright then", he said, still chuckling, "are you ready now?"_

_"Yeah, let me just call Ricky real quick" I said, while searching for my cell phone in my bag, "I like to call to speak to John every night before he goes to bed, but since we'll be out late tonight, I'm going to just call him now"_

_Ben nodded in agreement, but I could see his expression change the minute I said Ricky's name, but once again, I was beginning to get used to that._

_Finally I found my phone, somewhere in the bottomless pit of my bag, and began scanning through my contacts for Ricky's number._

_"Do you mind starting up the car?" I asked, "I'll just be a couple of minutes"_

_Ben shook his head yes, and made his way out the door, although I think he secretly wanted to hear what I would say to Ricky._

_I hit the send button, and after the second ring, Ricky picked up._

_"Hello?" he answered, sounding irritated as usual._

_"Hi Ricky, I was just calling to talk to John" I said, ignoring his tone of voice._

_"Right now Amy?" he said, "We're about to eat dinner"_

_"I know it's early, but I'm not going to be home later, and I just want to say goodnight to him before he goes to sleep"_

_"Hmm, another night out?" he said sarcastically, "I thought you're there for school?"_

_"Yes, I __**am**__ here for school Ricky" I said defensively, "and for your information, this is the first night I am actually going out anywhere"_

_"You mean, besides hanging out with Ben all night long?" he responded sharply._

_"You don't know what you're talking about Ricky!", I shouted, "and besides, I don't think that is any of your business anyway!"_

_The words just fell out of my mouth, and I instantly regretted saying them. I cared a lot about Ricky, and I really didn't want to hurt him. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do to him. He was extremely hurt already by my decision to go to New York, and the last thing I wanted to do was make him think I was insensitive about everything that happened between us also. _

_I expected him to either yell something back at me, or just simply hang up the phone on me, but he didn't. He just remained silent, and I knew my words cut him like a thousand knives._

_"Ricky, I'm sorry", I said softly, "I didn't mean that"_

_I thought I heard him sniffle, but he didn't respond, instead, he just said "here's John"._

_I felt horrible, and I wished I could take back those last words._

_"Mama", John babbled into the phone, and instantly my heart melted._

_"Hi John, it's me, it's mommy" I said, as a smile beamed across my face._

_"Hi Mama", he said._

_"Are you eating dinner with Daddy?" I asked, innocently._

_"Yeah" _

_"Good. I just want to say that I love you, and I miss you, and goodnight okay?" I said, feeling a wave of sadness run through me._

_"Okay. Love you Mama. Goodnight" he said, and my heart just melted._

_"Bye baby" I said, and then waited for Ricky to return to the phone, but he never did._

_I heard the call disconnect in my ear, and initially I wanted to call him back, and try to apologize again, but I knew he probably didn't want to talk any longer, and plus, Ben was waiting for me in the car anyway._

_I shoved the cellphone back into my bag, and quickly hurried out the door, leaving behind my entire past in that small studio apartment…_

* * *

**I can hear a vague voice coming from somewhere, but for some reason I am unable to see anything. I don't even know what is going on right now, or where I even am, all I see is darkness.**

_**Am I dreaming?**_

**I could have sworn I was just inside Ben's car, maybe I am asleep, and maybe this _is_ a dream.**

**My body feels extremely hot, and my throat is so dry I could probably drink a gallon of water right now.**

**_Is this normal_? To wonder whether or not you're dreaming, _while your dreaming_?**

**"Mam can you hear me?"**

**I can hear the voice in the distance again, but suddenly the blackness fades and I'm racing down the streets of Manhattan in Ben's car, the top is descended, and I can feel the wind blowing through my hair.**

**There aren't any other cars in sight, but I can see yellow taxi cabs parked along the streets. People are running, but I have no idea what is going on.**

**I am just watching as I pass them by, becoming more and more curious of what is occurring.**

**I look over at the driver's seat, and realize that there isn't anyone driving the car. I don't see Ben anywhere, and the car is just driving itself.**

**I feel my heart racing as I begin to panic, trying anyway to bring the car to a stop, but I can't manage to do it.**

**The brake isn't working, and the car just begins to rev even faster. I can feel my blood surging through my veins, and my heart is beating so fast, it feels like it may burst out of my chest.**

**Suddenly I see a massive while light approaching the car, flying directly towards me.**

**I can't move, and every single part of my body goes limp. I just stare into the light as it approaches the car, unable to say or do anything.**

**An explosion of some sort is occurring, and now the blackness has returned. The same darkness I saw before.**

**"We're losing her"**

**Someone is shouting, but I can't locate them.**

_**Who are we losing?**_

**I don't understand what is going on. If this is a dream, than why am I not waking up?**

**Suddenly I feel a massive wave of electricity run through my entire body. It feels as if I'd been struck by lightning.**

**"One", someone shouts.**

**Again, it shoots through my veins like poison, making every part of my body jolt.**

**"Two" the faceless voice says again.**

_**Please stop, please, what are you doing to me?**_

**I try to plead, but I don't know where my voice is. I can't speak, what is happening.**

**Suddenly the jolt pulsates through me again, and this time everything just goes blank.**


	3. Chapter Two: Jammin' Jalapeño

**A/N:** Once again, thank you all for your amazing reviews! I really appreciate all of your kind words! With that being said, enjoy chapter two! :)

**Remember**: Italics in sequence are flashbacks.

Enjoy :)

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**Chapter Two: Jammin' Jalapeño**

**_Ugh, what happened before?_**

**All I can hear is buzzing, and my ears feel like they are filled with static.**

**The last thing I knew, it felt as if a thousand volts of electricity ran through my insides. It was like a wave of lightning streamed through my veins until it couldn't circulate any longer.**

**The blackness is still surrounding me though, and seems to be fading in variations of grey and black.**

**_This is seriously some kind of wicked dream_.**

**It's like I'm stuck in this never ending, third dimensional dream, which I cannot wake up from.**

**I've never in all my life experienced a dream like this before. When you want to wake up so badly, but can't.**

**_I have to remember to write this down, when I finally do wake up from this._**

**Wait, something's happening now. I can feel my head beginning to pulsate, and I see the shadows of a vivid white light directly in front of my eyes.**

**"Her heart rate is slow, but stable. We thought we lost her in the ambulance"**

**_What? Is someone talking to me? _**

**Lost who? _Why does someone keep taking about losing someone?_**

**I am trying so hard to search this endless abyss of white, black and grey colors, but I see no one.**

**"Has she had anything to eat or drink in the last four hours?"**

**_Me?_**

**Why can't I answer this voice?! Oh my goodness Amy, you need to wake up already! This is honestly becoming irritating.**

**Of course I've eaten.**

**Ben and I went to some new restaurant, the food was excellent… but of course you can't hear me answering you, whoever you are, because I stupidly cannot seem to find my voice!**

* * *

**_*9:00pm - 4 hours before the accident*_**

_Ben and I had arrived to Buffalo Wild Wings not long after leaving my apartment. Surprisingly the drive wasn't so bad, and apparently the traffic had died down, which was a rare occasion in New York City. _

_However, upon our arrival the place was jam packed with people, and we ended up having to wait around for close to forty minutes for an available table. _

_While it seemed like a long time, Ben and I weren't really in a rush anyway. We were almost positive that the night club wouldn't be very exciting until at least ten or eleven o'clock, so there really wasn't any reason to rush._

_I was extremely excited to go to this nightclub. I had never experienced a real night club ever, besides the one time I went to one during my trip to New York as a sophomore in high school. But that was different. It was specifically targeted for underage teenager, and it wasn't as exciting as the 'over 18' clubs._

_I've said for the past couple of weeks, since arriving in New York, that I wanted to experience it, at least once. _

_I wasn't sure if Ben was as excited as I was, but I really didn't care. At least he was willing to come with me, which made me feel a bit more comfortable._

_"Ben Boykewich, your table for two is ready", the hostess announced over the loud speaker. _

_Ben and I got up from the sitting area, and walked towards the hostess, who led us to a small table with two booths on each side._

_"Enjoy", she said, as she handed us out menus and then retreated back towards the front of the restaurant._

_"This place is supposedly really good" Ben said, while opening his menu._

_I didn't even respond. I was already too busy infatuating my senses with the many of varieties of chicken wings displayed within the menu._

_"Amy?" Ben looked up and asked._

_"Huh?" I muttered, with my eyes still searching the menu._

_He let out a small chuckle and in between his laugh; he asked "This is like heaven for you, isn't it?"_

_At that point I realized he was laughing at me._

_"What?" I asked, trying not to laugh myself, "There is so many to choose from!"_

_"You're cute when you're excited" he said, while smiling._

_I glanced up at him, while cracking a small smile in return. I didn't say anything in response though; I just brushed his comment off, as if I hardly noticed it._

_"Hello" the waitress said, as she approached our table, "Are you ready to order?"_

_Ben glanced at me unsure; but, I nodded, I had chosen the minute I sat down even though the many selections did almost sway my decision._

_"I'll have the traditional wings with the Jammin' Jalapeño sauce please" I said, confidently._

_Ben's eyes bulged; he always thought I was insane for liking such spicy foods._

_"Well, I definitely won't be having that", he said jokingly, "I'll just have the traditional wings, with the mild sauce, please" he said, while emphasizing the 'mild'._

_"Okay" the waitress said, as she chuckled at Ben's attempt to be humorous, "It should be out shortly"._

_She walked away, and Ben just looked at me like I was crazy._

_"Jalapeño Amy?" he said while laughing, "You're going to burn your taste buds off"_

_I shrugged and smiled while taking a sip of my Pepsi, I had previously ordered while we were waiting on a table._

_"So, did everything go okay when you called John before?" Ben asked nonchalantly, but I knew he really wanted to know whether or not I spoke to Ricky. _

_"Mhm" I answered, "He was eating dinner though, so I didn't talk to him long"_

_Ben nodded and even though I smiled, pretending as if the phone call went smoothly, inside my stomach was turning. I still felt horrible for what I said to Ricky, but I would definitely call him the next day and apologize… or at least I hoped I would._

_"How is that?" Ben asked nervously, "Calling to talk to John? I mean, like having to go through Ricky, after everything that happened?"_

_There is was, I knew he was just trying to find out about any conversation I may have had with Ricky._

_"Its fine" I said simply, "We still have to be parents to John no matter what, regardless of what happened between us"_

_"Yeah, of course" he said, "but is he… mean to you?"_

_"No" I said, "he's not mean"_

_"Oh okay" he said, "good"_

_I just nodded, and to be honest, I felt really awkward even discussing Ricky with Ben. Our co-parenting relationship really wasn't any of his business, and I knew his only reason for even inquiring about it was to get any kind of information on Ricky and my friendship, if that's even what we had aside from being John's parents._

_"I am so excited for tonight" I said, trying to change the subject, "aren't you?"_

_"Yeah, I mean I guess" he said, "I've never really been to a club before"_

_"I just want to dance, and get lost in the music" I said, excitedly "I am so excited"_

_Ben smiled at my joy. I don't think he really even wanted to go, but he did it for me, which was nice of course._

_The waitress returned with our food, and as soon as she placed it on the table, we could smell the spices in the jalapeño sauce. _

_"Enjoy" she said briefly, before walking away._

_I dove right into mine. It was like heaven and Christmas all in one, I loved wings and these were amazing!_

_"Try some" I said, while pushing the jalapeño sauce towards Ben._

_"I don't know Amy" he said nervously looking at the sauce, "I'm not that great with spicy stuff"_

_"Oh come on" I said smiling, "It's not that bad"_

_He couldn't say no to me, and I knew it._

_He took a deep breath and sighed, "alright, just a tiny bit though"._

_He cautiously dipped one of his wings into the sauce, trying extremely hard not to get too much on it._

_He took one bite, and instantly dropped it on his plate and vigorously swung his arms around in search of his drink._

_I couldn't help but laugh, I found it absolutely hysterical._

_His eyes were watering, as he chugged the remaining half a glass of soda that he had left. _

_At this point I was laughing so hard that it was difficult to breath._

_"Oh my god!" he said, while airing his mouth open, like some sort of fire would come breathing out, "How do you even eat this stuff?!"_

_I was still hysterical; his face was just too funny._

_"I'm glad you think this is funny" he said, while starting to chuckle himself, "I think I may have just burned my insides"_

_"Oh it's not that bad" I said, while trying to compose myself after laughing so hard, "but that was hilarious"_

_He shook his head at me, while trying to hold back his own laughter, and eventually we calmed down and finished eating our food._

_I wish I could remember how much I actually enjoyed chicken wings._

* * *

**Whoa, I don't know what exactly is going on now, but suddenly my body feels like a river of warm water is running through it.**

**The white lights are starting to fade now, and I don't know if I'm waking up or falling back into an even deeper realm of sleep.**

**All I know is, I feel _nice_… like I'm floating or something.**

**Yeah, that's it… _I'm floating_.**

**I see it all now.**

**I'm high above the clouds, and its dark out, really dark, but there are stars below me. I can see them, but I can't quite touch them.**

**_This is unreal._**

**The stars are circulating, and swirling beneath me.**

**"Okay, administer the anesthesia", someone says from below the stars.**

**I'm searching and searching, as I swim through this pool of darkness; but, all of a sudden the stars are fading. One by one, they are disappearing.**

**_No. Wait. Where are they going? What's happening?_**

**And then it starts again, the blackness just overwhelms anything and everything I am feeling, and in an instant, everything is once again… _gone_.**


	4. Chapter Three: Too Late To Apologize

**Chapter Three: Too Late To Apologize**

* * *

**_Ugh, my head is pounding._**

**I can feel my head and neck pulsating, and it almost feels as if someone seriously knocked me out with a good blow to the back of the head.**

**Everything is dark again, but I can hear a slight beeping in the distance. I don't know exactly where it's coming from though. It's just a constant and steady beeping, like the sound of a truck when it's backing up.**

**I don't understand why I haven't woken up yet. This is the weirdest thing I have ever experienced in my life. It's like I'm stuck inside my own head of thoughts, unable to wake myself from this dream.**

**"I am so sorry Amy"**

**_Who was that? Did someone just say something?_**

**"This is all my fault"**

**_All whose fault? What is there fault? Where is that coming from?_**

**I can hear sniffling somewhere, like someone is crying.**

**Suddenly I feel as if I'm floating again. It's amazing. Just drifting through a starry sky all over again, like outer space or something.**

**I have to find this voice though; I have to figure out where this is coming from.**

**"I should have never gotten behind the wheel of the car Amy, if I hadn't, then none of this would have happened to you. I am so sorry Amy"**

**_Ben? Is that you?_**

**That has to be Ben… but why does it sound as if he is crying? _Is he at my apartment with me?_**

**No. I wouldn't ask him to spend the night with me, especially after the way he was acting last night. Why is he here?**

**_Did he come back to my place after I fell asleep? I know I was angry with him, but how did he get into my apartment?_**

**"I'm so, so sorry Amy"**

**_Where the hell is he?!_**

**I get it Ben, your apologizing for acting like a jerk, but…**

**_Ugh! I need to wake up already! Come' on! What the hell is going on!?_**

**"Beep… Beep… Beep…Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep."**

**There is that beeping sound again, _why is it speeding up?_**

**I'm falling again, through the darkness, and I'm back at the club last night…**

* * *

**_*11:30pm – 2 hours before the accident*_**

_We had arrived about an hour and a half ago to the night club. It was just as I pictured it. A ton of people everywhere, the music so loud you could barely hear the person next to you. It was unbelievable. _

_I was sweating from head to toe, and the back of my shirt felt drenched from it._

_I had started dancing within minutes of entering; the music just took me over. It was like for the first time in my life I felt completely free. Almost like an out of body experience._

_Ben was trying his best to dance along to the music with me, but he's always had two left feet. I wasn't really ever much of a dancer either, but at that point I didn't even care what I looked like. No one in this city even knew my first name, and I would probably never even see them again, so what did it matter?_

_It was me and the music, and nothing else mattered._

_Ben took a break a couple of times, to catch his breath and get a drink. He tried to get me to follow him over towards the bar quite a few times, but I wasn't thirsty, I just wanted to stay there and dance the night away._

_At one point, while Ben was probably taking his fourth break from dancing and I was just moving to the music on the dance floor, some guy approached me. _

_He just started dancing with me, and at first I thought about moving away, kind of shocked that a random person even walked up to me, but after my initial reaction wore off, I figured what the hell? It's only dancing right?_

_I couldn't really see his entire face, due to the dim lighting and the constant strobe lights around the room, but I could tell from his silhouette that he was very well built and muscular. _

_I wasn't interested in meeting any new guys to be honest, but I admit I checked him out, thinking to myself; hmm this guy is pretty good looking._

_Once Ben returned and saw me dancing with this unknown man, I could see the fury in his face right away._

_He walked over to me, and bent down to talk into my ear._

_"Seriously Amy?" he said, his eyes fierce._

_I shrugged, and slowly moved away from the guy dancing in front of me, and towards Ben. _

_I didn't understand why he looked so mad, I was just dancing, and honestly at that point, I didn't care who was dancing with me, in front of me, behind me, or beside me. I wasn't paying attention really to anything besides the music. _

_I grabbed Ben's hands, and threw them up in the air with me, while continuing to dance in front of him, in efforts to calm him down._

_He looked at me confused, but quickly his face began to loosen up._

_I leaned over by his ear._

_"Just have fun! That's all I'm trying to do!" I said, while smiling at him._

_His face softened completely, and he nodded and smiled at me while beginning to move to the beat again._

_I caught him glance over at the guy I was dancing with a couple of time still, but I ignored it, pretending I didn't even notice at all._

_Within minutes, he needed another break. He once again, tried to get me to come with him, but I didn't._

_I remember thinking to myself, wow, he is really thirsty, but I didn't really focus that much on how many times he was going over to the bar._

_I should have realized that it was weird, but I didn't._

_Ben and I were both eighteen, and neither of us were of age to be drinking, and I just didn't think I had reason to be suspicious of Ben's actions; but, I guess I was wrong._

_Ben returned once again, and I did begin to notice a glassy look in his eyes, but once again, I just ignored it._

_This time he seemed different though, and all of a sudden it was like any self-consciousness he had just disappeared._

_All of a sudden he grabbed my hand, and pulled me close to him, to the point where my chest was touching his._

_My first thought was to pull back, but then I figured it would start an argument, so I didn't. I wanted to avoid anything that would ruin the night, because I was having the time of my life._

_We continued dancing, __**dangerously**__ close, and all of a sudden I felt his hand move down my lower back._

_I reached my arm behind me and pulled his arm back up discreetly, still trying to avoid an altercation._

_He didn't seem bothered by it, so that was a relief. _

_However, he then leaned in close to my ear and whispered "Amy you are beautiful"_

_I smiled, but remember thinking to myself, where is this coming from all of a sudden?_

_Next thing I know, his lips are tracing the crease in my neck, and my refluxes just took over._

_I pulled back eagerly. _

_"Ben what are you doing?" I shouted, trying to yell over the music._

_He didn't seem fazed by my reaction, and instead grabbed me by my hips and pulled me back towards him, trying to continue to kiss my neck._

_"I love you Amy" he whispered._

_I viciously pulled away this time, and looked at him in disgust, before quickly walking away and off the dance floor, towards the bathroom area._

_He followed after me, and once we reached a semi-quieter area by the restrooms, I completely lost it._

_"Ben what the hell are you doing?!" I shouted._

_He looked through me; his eyes very hazy._

_"Amy, I love you" he yelled back, "Don't act like you don't want this to happen!"_

_I was in shock, where was this coming from? We talked about all of this already; he said he understood that I didn't want to be involved with anyone right now._

_"Are you kidding me Ben?!" I yelled, in disbelief._

_He grabbed my arm, trying to pull me towards him, but I resisted._

_"Amy, come' on!" he yelled, anger now flooding his face, "You want this, I know you do! You wouldn't have come to New York if you didn't want to be with me! You wouldn't have left Ricky if you didn't want to be with me!"_

_I ripped my hand from his grip, furious as ever._

_"You don't know anything!" I yelled, "And leave Ricky out of this!"_

_His anger raged._

_"Leave Ricky out of this?!" he yelled, "He is the reason we aren't together now in the first place!"_

_I didn't even answer him, I was too furious._

_"Oh, I get it" he said while viciously chuckling, "You don't want Ricky, you don't want me, but you'll take some random jerk here in this nightclub though, right?!"_

_"I came here to have fun! I was just dancing with him!" I gritted through my teeth._

_"Yeah, just dancing" he laughed again, "Huh, and wasn't band camp just supposed to be for practicing your instrument to be in the high school band? But then you met Ricky right? And look how that turned out. Maybe a dance with some random guy in a nightclub could turn into the same experience for you Amy! Maybe you can take him home and get knocked up by him too!"_

_I was speechless. How dare him!?_

_"Take me home" I said, staring him directly in the eyes, "Now!"_

_"What's the matter Amy?" he said, "can't handle the truth?"_

_"Ben, I want to go home" I said, trying to hold back tears. I couldn't believe he actually said what he said._

_Suddenly his frame of mind shifted again, and he walked within inches of my face._

_"Come' on Amy" he said, his mouth close to mine, "I know you love me"_

_He tried to place his lips on mine, and I pushed him back with all my strength._

_"I'll find my own way home" I said, before storming off towards the exit._

_His lips that close to mine, I should have known, I should have smelled it on his breath, but I was too distracted by the hurt of his words to even realize it._

_After reaching outside, I began walking aimlessly, not even beginning to know where or how to get home from there; but, I was too angry to look back. I didn't want to look back. _

_After I got about two blocks away, I finally stopped, to try and process what my next steps would be. _

_I had no idea how to get around this city; I had only been there for a couple weeks. How the hell was I supposed to figure out where to go?_

_I looked back at the dark street behind me, and saw no one. I thought for sure Ben would have followed me, but he was nowhere in sight._

_I circled around looking for a subway entrance somewhere but saw nothing._

_Great. Where would I go now?_

_Just as I went to take a step forward, Ben's car appeared on the side of me. _

_He rolled down his window, and said "Amy get in the car"_

_I didn't comply, and continued walking, never answering him._

_He slowly trailed me, yelling for me to get in the car._

_He began beeping his horn loudly. _

_"Beep… Beep… Beep. Beep. Beep"_

_At that point I knew I had no choice but to get in. I had no idea how to get home from there, and even though I despised the thought of being in the car beside him, I had no other options._

* * *

**"Beep… Beep… Beep. Beep. Beep."**

**That's why Ben is here apologizing! Now I remember!**

**Why is he even in my apartment!**

**_Amy you need to wake up right now and get him out of here! _**

**Wake up!**


	5. Chapter Four: Am I Dead?

**Author's Note:** _Hi everyone! So this chapter is short; however, it's the point when Amy starts to realize what actually happened to her, so it's very important to the story line. Once again, as always, thank you to all that read and review the story, I love reading your thoughts, kind words, and critiques. It helps me, not only to motivate me to continue, but also to merge your ideas and/or suggestions into the plot itself, so thank you._

_Following this chapter, I've written some feedback at the end to those of you who have written reviews thus far._

_So with that being said, enjoy this chapter, and please let me know your thoughts! :)_

* * *

**Chapter Four: Am I Dead?**

**It's been quiet for a while now and I haven't heard Ben speak anymore since earlier. I don't know where he was or where his voice was even coming from, _or where I even am for that matter_. All I know is I feel as if I'm awake in my own dream, and despite my many attempts to wake myself up, I can't seem to figure out what is going on.**

**I was convinced this was a dream, but now I'm not so sure. I've never experienced anything like this before, and to be honest, I'm starting to get a little nervous.**

**I can feel a slight throbbing in my head and face; but, it tends to come and go. I can also feel something itching me on my right arm, but I can't seem to scratch it. It's like my body is paralyzed or something, and even though I want to move or open my eyes, it's like I can't.**

**_Am I dead?_**

**No, I couldn't be. If I am, _then this is not at all what I expected the afterlife to be like_.**

**_Ugh, stop it, you're not dead_! This is just some really, _really_ weird dream, right?**

**For some strange reason though, I don't remember falling asleep. To be honest, I don't even remember getting home last night.**

**The last thing I even recall is being in the car with Ben.**

**I decided to just get in the car, because I didn't have a clue as to how to get home from there. We were arguing back and forth until… _oh my god_…**

* * *

**_*1:00am – Time of the accident*_**

_We had driven about three blocks before either of us said a word. I was furious with him, and honestly didn't even want to look at him. I just stared out my window at the passing empty early morning streets of Manhattan, counting down the seconds till I would be at my apartment and away from him._

_The car eased at a red light, and as Ben waited for the light to turn green, he placed his hand on my left shoulder. _

_"Amy I-" he started; but I quickly shrugged his hand from me. _

_"Don't Ben" I said, while still staring out the window, "I don't want to talk, I just want you to take me home"_

_The light turned green, and as Ben drove off, I could have sworn I felt the car jerk to the side a bit, and then back. I glanced over at him, and noticed his eyes were low; however, I was too angry to comment on them, and I just assumed he was tired… it had been a long night, and was just getting longer by the minute._

_As he continued driving, I, again, felt the car shift to the side; this time a car next to us began beeping in response. _

_"Ben?" I said with a hint of an attitude._

_He didn't respond, but instead honked his horn back at the car next to us. _

_"You're swerving into their lane Ben" I said._

_"No I'm not. They're the one's swerving." He said._

_Right then and there, my suspicions took off._

_"Ben, have you been drinking?" I asked_

_"What's it matter?" He said smugly._

_"Oh my god Ben, are you kidding me!?" I yelled, while becoming extremely anxious to get out of the car, "Pull over!"_

_"I'm fine!" he shouted._

_"Ben I'm serious. Pull the car over, I want to get out" I said, while beginning to unfasten my seatbelt._

_"Amy will you calm down?" he said, while reaching his right arm over towards me to calm me down._

_"Calm down?!" I asked sarcastically, "Ben you are drinking and driving!"_

_"I only had a few" he said while chucking, "it's not that big of a deal"_

_"Ben I swear to God, I'm going to open the door if you do not pull over right now" I demanded._

_He looked towards me, noticing the extreme amount of anger in my voice this time. _

_Suddenly in a split second, I saw someone step out from the curb just ahead of us._

_"Ben!" I yelled, "Look out!"_

_Ben quickly shot his head forward and swerved the car to the left to avoid hitting the person in front of us. _

_But, in a flash, the car collided with oncoming traffic, and the last thing I saw was a massive set of head lights coming directly toward us…_

* * *

**…oh my god… oh my god… I am dead, aren't I?**

**"…beep…beep..beep.. .beep"**

**I feel like I'm having a panic attack, and suddenly my chest feels tight, like it's going to explode. That is, if I even have a chest anymore.**

**_Oh my god…._**

**"What's going on?"**

**"Her heart rate is speeding up, she's probably coming to"**

**_Who is that?_ Oh my god, somebody help me, please. Please, I can't be dead, _please_!**

**I feel a warm hand caress the top of my forehead; it's gentle, and welcoming.**

**"It's okay sweetheart, you're okay"**

**All of a sudden I see a small slit of light; my eyes are beginning to open slowly.**

**_Does this mean I'm alive?_**

**I see a blurry shadow in front of me… a woman, it looks like, and she's wearing white.**

**_Is she an angel?_**

**"That's it hunny, you're doing great" she says, her voice calm and gentle.**

**I want to ask her who she is, but all I can manage is a few groans.**

**"Well, welcome back to the world", she says.**

**_So, I am alive?_**

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**_Lemmanuel1_****_: _**_I know it's crazy to have Ben drinking and driving; but I promise you there is back story to it, which will eventually surface in later chapters. As for making Ben the bad guy, not at all... there is going to be a great deal of story line to Ben, and why he decided to drink that night. I'm definitely not going to make him a bad guy though, I promise :)_

**_Jyoti_****:** _This is definitely one of Ben's dark moments, but there is reason as to why he made those choices that night, which I will get to soon._

_**RamyFan1981**_: _Thank you for the compliments, as always. :) I'm glad you like it._


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